I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
