I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
