I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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