You're a womanizer and a bitch.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
