I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
