We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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