having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
