Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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