I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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