I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
did i just pee glitter
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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