yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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