I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
