Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Randomize
