Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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