I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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