a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
My dick has a subreddit
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
