This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
