turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
