If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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