Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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