I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
