My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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