That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
