I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
