I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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