there's paper in my vomit.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
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he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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