What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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