Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
