hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
