What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
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