Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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