i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
