he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
