If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
