You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
