We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
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