I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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