Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
