I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
