My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
