i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
