Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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