Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
