cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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