pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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