Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
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aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
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He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.