Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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