theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
high people should be assigned attendants
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
