No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Non-Jews are for practice
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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