please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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