I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
