She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
