everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
