I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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