I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
