I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
