True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
