Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
